We're ready

L has open-heart surgery scheduled for this Thursday, September 4th. I'm in denial. I'm TERRIFIED. Who can blame me? I look at my son's perfect little chest, unblemished and clear of wounds and scars. It's frightening and nerve-wracking to imaging the huge scar that will soon mar his perfect skin.

I think of his little heart inside this perfect chest, furiously pumping blood that isn't fully oxygenated through his growing body and I'm humbled. Humbled and convicted of my anger over the fact that he has to have this surgery and the desire for L to have a perfect chest and I'm READY. Ready for this to be over and for my son to be out of danger.

I know I'm not the first parent to feel this way. I know I won't be the last. I've found myself looking inward a lot more these days, doing a lot of self-reflecting. Asking myself the hard questions. 

What if? 

Could I handle complications?

Am I going to be strong enough not only for me, but for my husband and A as well? 

How am I going to keep it together when I see L for the first time after surgery??

WHY???????

Anxiety sets in. And so does reassurance.

Be anxious for NOTHING.

Behold, I am with you.

The Lord goes before you into battle.

Promises that will always be kept. Promises that will never be forgotten.

When we found out that L had Down syndrome, we grieved. We wept for the child we had expected to have and wept for the child we were receiving. Guilt over the grief followed, but it was soon replaced with determination, a search for knowledge and resources, and most importantly JOY. Our son was loved, no matter the outcome of the blood test or the ultrasound. These reactions were normal, but we didn't know it at the time. 

When the MFM decided that I needed to see a pediatric cardiologist, we were prepared. My husband, T, and I are both researchers. We look for every possible SCRAP of information as a way to find hope in hopeless situations. It's better to be educated than have a lack of knowledge, especially in situations like these.  The diagnosis came down of Complete Atrioventricular Canal Defect and we were ready. 

And so here we are. Months of appointments, tests, medications, uncertainty, and 
rescheduled,surgeries have finally come to this. 

We were ready. We ARE ready. 

So pray for us, friends. Pray for peace, trust, and REST. Pray for L's doctors and nurses and caretakers. Pray for his little body and amazing heart that has lasted this long with minimal intervention.